The sound of sad bitch music flows from the radio. I actually love this kind of music. The sadder and more self-loathing the music the happier I am. I think it is because it has to be sung with some sort of feeling that I relate to. It makes me go to this place inside me where its safe to feel. There is no pretending when you're singing lyrics like "Can you help me I am bent. I am so scared that I'll never get put back together." or "I got my eggs I've got my pancakes too. I've got my maple syrup. I've got everything but you." I lost count of the many times Matchbox Twenty and Jewel -the music of my late teens and early twenties- blared through the speakers in my car as I took late night drives trying to figure out my life and who I am.
Ten years later can I say I have figured out who I am or figured out my life. The answer...no. I am more comfortable in my own skin for the most part. I don't see things as extreme as I used to. Example: One heartbreak -though life changing and painful- is not by any means the end of my world. On the contrary its usually the beginning of new way of seeing the "me" in relationships. That includes the relationship I have with myself. I am even learning that all my baggage can be lightened if only I would stop and empty some of its contents that I no longer need to hold onto and acknowledge the stuff I had forgotten I was even dragging around.
Granted I do still have a flare for the dramatic and have on occasion been seen over reacting to seemingly non-drama related situations. Such as the sound of a co-worker breathing in the cubicle next me enraging me for no real reason. Yes, I know there is some deeper reason that the sound of air escaping their body is pissing me off and taking me to that dark place that most of us pretend we don't have within our imaginations. There are also those drama moments when I put on my stand-up comedy facade. The facade allows me to hide in the spot light. There I am a source of shock and laughter. I don't have to be real. I just have to be on and have good timing.
Today was different though. There was no hiding that I was hell bent on not being anything, but in a bad mood. There was a sequence of events that led up to wallowing in my orneriness. Everything really being fine and taken care of, but I still hadn't pushed past the kicking my own ass phase of the I am super human and am not allowed to make mistakes part of me. I realize that this is also dramatic, because self-defeating behavior is pretty much as human as one can get. For the love of God I have been clenching my jaw all day just so I would keep from saying vile things or expressing any true emotion. All I have to show for that is a sore jaw.
So to alleviate some of this self inflicted drama and jaw pain I am writing. Not for an audience, but for myself. Right here and right now with the sad bitch music in the back ground as I sit on the recliner in my living room and breath in the fresh night air wafting in from the screen door....I declare.... I still love sad bitch music. Today I was a sad bitch. Tomorrow I may be, sad, or a bitch or happy and feeling a sense of clarity. Regardless of what it is I am I know it will be ok. Fingers crossed its a new day with new opportunity to express myself and really just show up. Its really up to me.
